3/10/10
We are almost done editing my new ONE HOUR SPECIAL. I am really happy with the way it came out, my hair held up the whole time, and I can't wait to share it with you all. I should be announcing when you can see it soon. And a whole new tour to support the DVD release.
I've got some great shows coming up-- next week at The Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, CA and the following week I am at the Pechanga Casino in Temecula, CA (and even I have no idea where that is!) All the information is up in my TOUR DATES section.
2/7/0
I will have a lot to announce shortly.
Was down in Atlanta working. My second home. NYC would be my second second home. Not that excited about the Superbowl-- and that seems to be the consensus. It's 8am and this happened: I forgot the Superbowl hadn't started and I already began watching commercials by accident. I feel stupid. Nice that the ad world takes their job seriously one day a year!
1/24/10
I am rooting for Minnesota because their quarterback Favre is older than me and Bob Dylan was born in Hibbing, MN. I would root for NO because that city deserves a win, but their fans post too much smack on their Facebook updates (I also lost $50 in Vegas this year betting on the Patriots to finally dethrone the undefeated Saints.) I am rooting for the Jets because I once lived in NY, consider it a second home, but hate the Yankees-- but love the city more. But even more determinant, I once had a date with a very annoying girl from Indy that wore a Colts jersey and cheered louder than anybody else in the bar against my Patriots-- so I am rooting more against the Colts than for the Jets. (Just don't be louder than the guys! And don't call Brady a bitch.)
When your team loses, what makes you root for a team not from your city? What is your mini equation?
1/22/10
Have been editing my new one hour Special which will be out later this year... details to follow. Made a quick video to give you an updage on how it was going. And in the process, Dave the editor makes a SHOCKING admission. Watch the video on BrainNoise.com.
1/21/10
Back in LA. Raining. Worst turbulance while landing. They had to announce if you need to puke don't do it on your neighbor, there are bags in the seat pocket in front of you for that. Glad to be back on land.
What a great weekend at the Chicago Improv. Thanks for everybody that came out and to everybody that posted pics on my facebook page. Look forward to returning to that mall and doing shows in the basement.
1/7/09
For those of you at my show last night in Irvine-- the word I forgot was MAYONNAISE (in the MASCARA joke.) But that was fun. Stil upset I could NOT remember that word. Thanks to those that came out to see my return to the stage after retirement.
In breaking entertainment endorsement news: Hanes has dropped Charlie Sheen as a spokesman (Finally!). I wrote a quick blog about it on ComedyWonk.com.
Next week I am, for the first time, at the Chicago Improv. (Glad they are using my picture from three headshots ago!)
1/6/09
Crimes and Names (we can't pronounce): I fell off my "I'm done reading books bandwagon." At Barnes and Noble trying to pick which translation of Dostoevsky I want. I like how publishers brag that they have the best translation for a book. I wish they would simply change all the Russian names to American ones-- that's the translation I want. I spend half the book frustrated trying to read the names. By the end of the book I STILL DO NOT know how to pronounce some names correctly. I have for 500 pages mispronounced the name in my head. Just change the names and keep the story the same. How many times do my eyes have to frustratingly roll over this name-- Svidrigailov?
1/5/10
Saw this online-- Greatest write up for a FIRE PROOF SAFE on Amazon- this person gave it 5 stars: "Obviously I am limited in my ability to review the full capabilities of the product without setting my house on fire, so I can only attest to the construction quality. It's very solid and quite heavy, which is good because nobody can quickly run off with it. But it can be lifted by a single person, though, so it's conceivable."
Funny.
1/1/10
Happy New Year everyone. Back to work for me.
Hail humanity. The New Year's tradition will continue! You know, just when you give up on humanity and think that we have maxed out as humans, I am blindsided by something even I could not envision and that’s make 2010 work as goofy novelty glasses you wear on New Year's Eve. We all joked about 2009 ending the era of those glasses because of the end of the adjacent 00's. But I was so pleasantly shocked and enlivened to see that someone was smart enough to design around that inherent flaw. I have hope again for humanity-- maybe just enough to get me through 2010. Please help me carry on this positive message.
12/19/09
Just added CHICAGO IMPROV January 15-17 and IRVINE IMPROV January 6th.
Somebody on TV just said, "Sometimes when it smells like coffee, it's coffee." You can't say that. I thought we all agreed in instances like this when an expression is needed we say, "If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's a duck." You start saying coffee and break formula-- you have opened a whole new door and you can pretty much say anything. "If it sounds like the ocean, it's the ocean." STICK TO THE DUCK ANALOGY. The DUCK ANALOGY makes no sense, like the ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, but just go with it. Why not a pink duck in the room?
11/30/2009
Goodbye November. Just got my hands on this Sirius XM ad (alternate ending unseen) with Elvis, Michael Jordan, Richard Pryor, and Howard Stern. I guess this aired just one time and got pulled. Not too sure why. Click to see: Sirius XM ad (alternate ending unseen)
11/20/09
I am in Melbourne, FL (not Australia which is what I thought when I accepted this gig) and I have no good reason to be in this area-- like a shuttle launch. It's never a good sign that things are going to go that well when I am checking into the hotel and I ask the girl at the front desk if there are any good places to get breakfast in the morning and she says, "7-11 has great food."
Video: The Delta gift (consolation) bag. Anyway, I arrived safely, my bag did not. In this vid, I show you all the GREAT things Delta gives you when your bag does not arrive and you have to make it through the night with nothing you packed or intended to have.
BrainNoise.com
11/15/09
Taped my new ONE HOUR SPECIAL on Friday November 13th and...
My body is still in shock. Happy. But my legs are immobile. So grateful for all the people that came out wearing homemade Orny shirts and the one person with the Orny foam finger. That night was insane. I could NEVER have prepared for the energy and enthusiasm of a crowd like that. Or for my nose running and my eyes getting red-- I think my body just collapsed onstage. (My nose has NEVER run onstage before. It was as if my brain was dripping out of my nostrils. But my right eye was twitching on Letterman. Sometimes my body does what it wants.) My adrenaline was spinning out of control. It was fight of flight for an hour and a half. By the end I felt like one of those marathon runners that does anything to keep going-- defecating in their pants (good morning!). You know what I mean. Someone posted a picture of me after the show on Facebook and it looks like I went through 12 hard rounds. My eyes are almost shut. (My hair looks good and that means a lot.) After the show I walked off stage and collapsed-- fell to my stomach. Alone. I heard those words at the end of Rocky, "Aint gonna be no rematch, don't want one." I felt like I won. Even if the decisions goes against me. Friday November 13th at the OC Pavilion was a personal victory. Like I have no more to prove. Like I did not have to do it ever again. But I will. Because that is what I do. At essence, at heart, I am a comedian. Ad astra.
11/9/09
The show we are taping for my ONE HOUR STAND UP SPECIAL this Friday November 13th is SOLD OUT. It is actually OVERSOLD to prevent there being any empty seats for the taping. If you have tickets I highly suggest you get there a little bit earlier than you normally would. Let the party begin in the line. It's going to be a special night. I am very excited and hope the massive charlie horse I sustained playing basketball yesterday heals in time... or else I'm limping during this show! Fire it up. Thanks all.
11/5/09
Taping a ONE HOUR STAND UP SPECIAL Friday November 13th-- and if you live in the Los Angeles/ Orange County area-- I want you to go. Check out this link: OC PAVILION for information. This is almost already SOLD OUT. It will be by the end of the week. I bought a few tickets to offer fans-- want to go? Go to contact page and email me (tell me why) and I'll give you the hook up.
I will sleep in December. Had a great time in Richmond-- thanks everyone who came to my shows. And really enjoyed Pittsburgh-- especially the Steeler's game.
10/14/09
Be a part of my history. Taping my new ONE HOUR SPECIAL Friday November 13th at the OC Pavilion. Go to contact page and email me if you are interested in attending the taping.
10/13/09
I had added Pittsburgh and Richmond to my tour -- be there this month. Check out my tour schedule page.
9/28/09
Watch Larry King discover Bob Dylan-- and hear my reaction (SHOCK) in my latest BrainNoise.com vid.
Also, This week in LA: Tues Jon Lovitz Comedy Club at Universal City Walk. Wednesday at the Brea Improv in Brea, CA. And Thursday at Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach,CA. Links up on TOUR PAGE.
Just watched Bottle Shock-- great movie. I always like the movies that don't make any money.
9/22/09
New BrainNoise -- I'm sure even fewer will appreciate this one.
This one might be for me and a few Dylan fanatics. Or maybe just me. And if it's just for me-- I am fine with that too.BrainNoise.com
9/16/09
All is well... an announcement coming soon.
9/4/09
I will be announcing new shows outside of LA-- VERY soon. All new tour.
For now, some great shows in the Los Angeles area this weekend. Saturday night at The Improv in LA and The Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, CA. Sunday TWO SHOWS at The Ice House in Pasadena, CA. All the info is up on my TOUR SCHEDULE page.
8/18/09
My good friend Ashley Hamilton is on Dancing with Stars which starts airing in September. Watch The Adventures of Orny and Ashley getting ready to dance. New BrainNoise.com.
And this Thursday night I am back at The Brea, CA Improv.
8/15/09
This is THE most exciting news I have heard in a LONG time-- excited to share it with you in my latest BrainNoise... the poteblly is in!
8/4/09
Chugging along. Thanks for all the emails lately. Apparently I am on SOME LIST because everyday I am getting dozens of standardized email requests for signed headshots... from all over the world, "Please to hand sign picture for me." One was in Korean. And how do I know they are standardized-- one person said, "I love your music." Which is fine, I've always considered comedy very rhythmic and if you mute my Tonight Show appearances it looks like a bad karaoke performance.
This week, great shows in the Los Angeles area: Wednesday night I am in BREA, CA at The Improv and Thursday-Saturday I am at the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club at UNIVERSAL CITY WALK. The links and info is up on my TOUR SCHEDULE page.
7/16/09
I am in Los Angeles for the next few weeks and have a LOT of great shows in the area. Check out my tour page-- from Hermosa Beach to Universal City Walk to Irvine, Brea, and The Ice House in Pasadena. I hope you come out and support me as I build this new hour, preparing to record and release a new DVD/CD later this year. What city should I shoot it in?
7/2/09
July 4th! One of my favorite holidays. Makes me wish I was a kid again, back in Boston, watching the Pops on the Esplanade. Actually most days I wish I was a kid again-- and I've decided all my frustrations and rantings about childhood obesity and childhood sluttiness are really poorly masked veils for my deep, deep jealousy for the young.
Here is my latest BrainNoise vlog-- These two songs make NO sense to me STILL! This is an experiment gone horribly wrong. I am warning you-- this video sucks. I am partially embarrassed to even post it. But I am. Spend the next two minutes doing something else unless you want to help me understand why I am even posting this. I couldn't get these two songs, from my childhood, out of my head.
6/29/09
When a major magazine like Psychology Today wants to talk to someone about the travails of failure-- who do they come to-- me (Naturally.) Check out the interview I did for them so long ago I forgot I even did it.
6/28/09
Today the US plays Brazil in soccer and Brazil plays the US in football. Can we agree on anything in this world???
6/22/09
I'm sitting in a rocking chair right now at the airport in Charlotte, NC-- it's very deep fried South romantic, but at the same time I am getting motion sick. Thanks everyone in Cincinatti and Kentucky that came to my shows this past weekend at the Funnybone. Met a lot of nice people and thanks to all that posted pictures on my facebook pages.
Tomorrow night-- June 22nd I will be at the Improv in Irvine, CA. And Thursday night June 24th I will be at The Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, CA. Hope to see many familiar faces.
6/17/09
I will performing Thurs - Sunday at the Funnybone in Cincinnati or is it in Kentucky-- it's never been that clear to me. See you there Cincinnati/Kentucky people. This guy has some nice things to say about me.
New iPhone coming out. I'm not upgrading yet... because as far as I'm concerned they ought to just call the iPhone the iCharge. And how about an app that locates electrical sockets in public places so we can charge the damn thing?
Yesterday Facebook caught up with Myspace with number of users in the US. I see less and less activity on both pages. Fewer people posting-- Myspace less and less and now facebook seems to be dwinding in enthusiasm. I haven't been poked (thanks gawd) in forever. I hope they both disappear and we finally realize we should not be communicating with each other so much. Now stop reading this and go hug a human.
6/11/09
Heading to Washington, DC tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing the cherry blossoms. I will be performing Saturday night at the Sixth and I. This will be a unique experience to see me NOT in a comedy club. I hope if you live in the area (Boston to Atlanta) you can make it. It's for a good cause and it's open to everyone! I encourage all faiths to show up-- will make it a better show!
5/21/09
Last night 23.8 million people watched American Idol on Fox and 48 people watched me on stage at the Irvine Improv. Thank you 48 people.
I'll be at the Irvine Improv again this Sunday-- which is like a Saturday because it's a three day weekend.
ALSO, I'd like to thank "the guy" (I say "the guy" but I am really thinking asshole) who "bought" (I say "bought" but really stole) a DVD from me last night at the Irvine Improv for his girlfriend Patty. I remember signing it to Patty. And I remember him slipping me the "money" (I say "money" but it was really a $5 and not what it should've been a $20) like he was tipping a bellhop or valet-- cuffing it in his handshake. I thought it was odd behavior. And he seemed nervous. But I thought maybe he was nervous to meet me... nah he was ripping me off. And I'm pretty sure he KNEW what he was doing. And it really bummed me out. Because I don't look at the money when someone gives it to me-- I shove it in my pocket-- it feels awkward enough, and I generally trust people to do the right thing AND NOT STEAL FROM ME! Later, when I pulled the money from the DVD sales out of my pocket and it was all $20s and one $5, I realized, "the guy" (I say "the guy" but I am really thinking asshole) ripped me off. Because everyone else handed me a $20 (Like you hand someone a $20) and I could see $20 out of the corner of my eye. I remember that much! Now I feel partly disgusted in humanity and partly ashamed that I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. And I am posting all this to vent and to also let Patty know the type of guy she is dating. And if I am wrong about this-- and I could be-- it could be a mistake-- then contact me "Patty's boyfriend" and I'd be happy to suggest a charity you can donate $15 to on behalf of me and all my hard work.
5/13/09
Doing a benefit tonight for Leukemia & Lymphoma at The Hollywood Improv in Los Angeles, CA. Hope you can make it and help out the cause.
I can feel myself growing older. DEFINITION Growing older: Trying to prove everyday you “still got it”-- when you don’t “still got it.” Whether playing basketball or trying to stay out late. I’ll stay out late and think, “See I still got it.” Then spend the next 3 days in bed trying to recoup. I play basketball in a league with people my age... and I remember I used to play basketball-- show up and start playing. Now, it takes us about 30 minutes to start-- we’re all on the floor putting on our knee braces, wrapping our ankles and wrists… stretching. I miss NOT having to stretch. I miss not having to prove to myself. (I'm out of breath typing this.)
5/4/09
Watching SHINE A LIGHT (Rolling Stones concert directed by Martin Scorsese.) WOW is this inspiring. To see how they have reinvented themselves to suit their age and incorporate all they have gathered through the years.
4/22/09
Dear John (Social Networking Sites),
Going off the grid. I'll try and post a video explaining this move in the coming days. If I don't, here: It seems places like Facebook, Myspace, and Twitter have turned into one big collective ego with millions of people screaming and very few people listening. I accidentally deleted my Facebook profile today. And at that moment I realized, "I really don't really care." The response level to my posts, my updates, and my videos has greatly diminished. Greatly. Most times I'm trying to sell something to people that are trying to sell me something. I way underestimated people's need to be heard. I always understood mine, was never shy about it. If people want to see what's up, or see pictures, or contact me-- come here. My Myspace page is still up (for now), but silence looms. The amount of time it takes to keep these pages up and interactive has become too much of a detriment. Maybe I'll miss it and come back. For now, I feel like I just got out of a bad relationship and am cruising down the road straight into Vegas-- with a huge smile. I would Twit this, but it's more than 140 characters.
4/16/09
If my accountant pays my bills then why does my accountant send me a bill? You can now follow me on Twitter.
Saw Manny Ramiriz and Don Mattingly on the same day, not together, at The Grove in California. It would've been such a thrill if I was a big baseball fan.
My "In this Economy?" tour continues through Southern California-- see me this Friday and Saturday at The Ice House in Pasadena, CA.
4/14/09
Pay your taxes and come see me this Friday and Saturday at The Ice House in Pasadena, CA. I have great affection for this dark, dingy, yet lively club-- it always rocks and it's where I recorded Path of Most Resistance.
4/11/09
Good news-- I have not been kidnapped by pirates. But the threat always lingers. A little bit concerned that my managers just booked me at The Improv Somolia.
4/1/09
My "In This Economy?" tour continues tonight in Brea, CA at the beautiful Improv. Hope to see you there.
This is a nut amber alert. They're pulling pistachio nuts off the shelf-- more salmonella. This is not a scare, this is the real thing. Beware of the evil salmonella lurking pistachios everybody. This is not some sort of April Fool's Day prank. If you are eating pistachios right now-- SPIT THEM out and rinse your mouth out with soap-onella.
Pistachio fact: According to Wikipedia, originally red dye was applied by importers to hide stains on the shells caused when the nuts were picked by hand. And I think we know what those stains were! That dye is probably the same stuff they put in swimming pools to kill "the bacteria." Enjoy your pistachios. Anybody walking around with red fingers today should be ashamed of themselves or embarrassed to have red fingers.
3/25/09
Mick Jagger runs 10 miles before every show. This is just one of many differences between me and Mick Jagger. Oh, you can follow me on Twitter if you want. Twitter.com/ornyadams.
3/24/09
I just finished watching Dancing with the Stars and I feel empty and guilty and hungover-- like I feel after a night of drinking-- what does it all mean? It's not a good feeling. And I fear for the future of my favorite star-- THE WOZ! I hope you've seen the BrainNoise vid I did on him.
On a happier note: I love that we all spoke up and A.I.G. execs are returning those bonuses. Complete jubilation. I am proud to be an American. Freedom of speach works. I'm going to put on my flag boxers now and and recreate the scene from Risky Business.
3/20/09
New BrainNoise video-- I finally broke down and started watching Dancing with the Stars-- but for one reason-- to watch Apple Computer founder and super super geek Steve Wonziak. THIS is entertainment. But watch the hypocrisy I have uncovered in the computer world. Apple, and believe me nobody drinks the Apple Kool-Aid more than me, is lying to us! Check out my latest BrainNoise.com vid.
3/18/09
I have decided to do a free show for all the victims of Bernard Madoff. Details to follow in the coming weeks. Jay Leno has inspired me to give back to the less fortunate in these times. "Jay offers free show for jobless."
Tonight I am in Brea, CA at the Improv and if you are in the Los Angeles area, I have some great shows March 27 and 28th at The Hollywood Improv.
3/11/09
It may feel like just another Wednesday, but it's actually the Wednesday before I leave for a run of shows in Seattle at The Parlor Live (which is actually in Bellevue, WA-- so the following sentences I am about to type really don't make sense because I am not actually performing in Seattle, but in the Seattle area... OK that's what I'll do.) It's been a while since I've been back to Seattle (area), but I must confess I've had some of my best shows there. Seattle (area) is a city (area) that is ready to laugh. And I'm looking forward to it. Can't wait to see some you again at my shows this weekend.
3/5/09
Watch me on Tom Green last night at tomgreen.com. There is a great moment when we do this split screen improv bit at 45:30 minutes in. Is that precise enough? Also, tonight I will be doing a benefit for animals for the late Richard Pryor's wife, Jennifer Pryor, at The Comedy Store on Sunset here in Los Angeles. I do this benefit every year and it's a great cause (I think, never really looked into it) and always a fun group of people. (Usually a lot of single woman with cats.)
Next week I am in Seattle at this new club Parlor Live. The info is up on my tour page.
3/4/09
Getting ready to hang with Tom Green and then shoot his show later tonight-- on live at 7pm. Watch at tomgreen.com
3/2/09
I am not shoveling today. And I don't miss it. Just when you think winter is over and you get hit with a big storm... it's devastating. It's the one thing I don't miss about living on the east coast. Also, I am so thankful I am not flying today. I am thankful every day I am not flying. I wish I could stay in one place and the world would rotate around me on a big Lazy Susan. Not that I deserve such an arrangement, but it seems like a better solution than me having to go through airport security.
2/14/09
If Drew Peterson can get a fifth woman to marry him then anybody is capable if finding love. Happy Valentine's Day from Camp Orny. You have got to see the interview on MSNBC of Drew Peterson and his soon to be missing future wife. According to Wikipedia, "Drew Walter Peterson (born January 6, 1954), is a former Illiniois police sergeant who has been accused of killing his third and fourth wives."
2/6/09
And if you haven't seen it-- what I have to say about Industrial Carpeting.
I'm enjoying some morning coffee. I can't do anything until I have my morning coffee... except make coffee. And sometimes I can't even do that well. Sometimes I have to drink some of the first batch to give me fuel to make a better second batch. And that’s why some people set the timer. So when they wake up the coffee is already made. DO YOU REALIZE how easy it is to make coffee?
Scoop, scoop.
Add water.
Power on. That’s it. (And that's what I'm struggling to do.)
Thanks to everyone that came out to see my shows that past two nights in Hermosa Beach, CA. It was a pleasure to see so many people out... in this economy!(?) I'm in Brea, CA tomorrow night (Saturday 9pm) at The Improv.
2/4/09
(12:25 pm) Well I did it-- it's been a while, but I posted a new BrainNoise.com vid about... ready for this... Industrial Carpeting.
(9:30 am) My new excuse for everything's, "In this economy?" You want me to get married and have kids... "In this economy?" "What are you doing for Valentine's Day?" "Valentine's Day... in this economy?" Get a haircut... in this economy? By the way, welcome to MY ECONOMY! I've been in a recession my entire adult life. I've been losing my house for 15 years.
I don't know what to update first-- Twitter, Myspace, Facebook... or this! Is anybody listening? And does anybody really care? Why do people feel the need to coninuously feed us updates on their mundane lives. Let's face it, most of our lives are not that interesting. Especially mine. And now I feel this NEED to come up with constant updates. Here is my update... I am looking to hire someone to update my updates. My life is so boring I am about to do a BrainNoise on industrial carpeting. Yip. Can you imagine?
But tonight and tomorrow night I am performing at The Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, CA and Saturday night at 9pm at The Improv in Brea, CA. These are great places to see me peform. Come on out.
1/30/09
Let's waterboard all these Wall Street fat cats and then close down Gitmo. Madoff first.
I am so fed up with this country. We are being controlled by an infrastructure of crooks. And I'm not too sure another stimulous package is the solution. Are we borrowing more money from China? China will by king soon. And we keep borrowing money from them. They're like our loan shark. I'm afraid if we don't pay them back a billion Chinese will come over here and break our legs.
1/28/09
I'm taking my busted ankle to BREA, CA Improv tonight and IRVINE, CA Improv tomorrow night. Watch me hobble for an hour.
1/21/09
(Only because a few people asked.) This is why I did not go to the inauguration: I don't want to ever be in one place where there are a million people who all agree on the same thing.
Had to have my new passport picture taken yesterday-- I was a wreck for days obsessing about it. Just don't think any picture should represent me for 10 years-- which is how long a passport is valid for. Anyway, took the picture, sent it in, and can't stop thinking about it. It's very similar to me obsessing about my hair after shooting Path of Most Resistance. I probably should've gotten a haircut for my pic yesterday and certainly for the PATH taping. I did shave for both occasions though.
Now just waiting for Obama to change my life.
1/20/09
What an exciting time in this country’s history. I am watching it all live with a leg up. Finally, after years of pushing my athletic pursuits right to the edge, while still successfully maintaining five extra pounds, I seriously injured my ankle. Last week I tore three ligaments playing basketball. I came down, heard three pops, and felt so much pain. Then I did everything to not throw up. At the suggestion of a friend, I went to a high profile sports doctor who’s diagnosis begin like this, “This is a career ending injury.” I said, “I’m a comedian.” He said, “I know that. But you should still be able to play basketball.” So now I’m in some goofy aircast for 6 weeks. I had show Saturday night at the Improv in LA and really felt the thing-- if you were there and detected my voice straining at times-- that was from the sharp shooting pain from my ankle to every part of my body. Hope you and your ankles are doing better then me.
1/5/09
Get back to work people and turn my economy around! I have a good feeling about '09. I just posted some new dates on my calendar for the Los Angeles area. I have NOT been aggressively booking dates on the road for my stand up. I have chosen, rather, to stay in LA and work on projects that might give me substantially more visibility and help produce bigger audiences when I do go out on the road. Every day I get emails asking when I will be performing in certain cities... well, the road aint easy! It's a lot of work. And I feel like it's a good time to transition into bigger things. And I have chosen to shift focus to developing television shows and screenplays for myself. Last year I developed a talk show for myself with CBS/King World and Ashton Kutcher's company. I didn't talk about it much at the time because I am superstitious. But when something big breaks-- I'll share it with you here. Thanks for still caring about me and my work. In the meantime, I will continue to write comedy and perform locally with some scattered road dates-- including private shows and events.
Stay tuned. And I'll do my best to post some new BrainNoise videos and keep in touch THAT WAY!
1/2/09
Happy New Year. I'm liking '09 already. NOW SLOW DOWN '09! One thing I'm excited about-- 2009 ends the goofy new years' glasses... where the 00 serve as the eye holes... unless in 2010 people are willing to have a 1 across their left eye... which wouldn't surprise me in the least. Actually, I just put a vertical finger in front of my left eye and it did not obstruct my vision that much at all. I'm game for 2010 glasses. AND PEOPLE STOP STOP SAYING in "0 ten." It's TEN. You didn't say in "0 ninety nine."
Back in the USA, and it feels good to be home. (Addendum to what I wrote on 12/22/08 below.) Flying back on US AIR, I was so frustrated that they charged me $40 each way to check my bags and then $2 for a bottle of water in flight, that I decided, in advance, as my own form of social protest, that I would buy a bottle of water and hand her a HUNDRED DOLLAR bill. Which I did and for which she did not have change. Which is what I figured would happen. I said, "Well do you take charge cards?" She said, "No." And so she GAVE me the $2 water for free-- which was what I was hoping for in the first place. And if I had a lot of money, I would give everybody on ONE US AIR flight a hundred dollar bill to buy a water or soda and clog the system. And I would enjoy hearing about it on my private jet. SHAME ON YOU US AIR! Just raise the price of my ticket enough to cover my bags and my beverage!
12/22/08
Happy holidays and a happy (pending) New Year.
I have left the country. But one last gripe: This morning, US AIR was charging for beverages on the plane. I was kind of sleeping and I heard, "Would anybody like to purchase a beverage?" I thought, "They couldn't be asking everyone if they wanted an alcoholic beverage." So I opened my eyes-- permanently discontinuing my sleep. Sure enough, two bucks for a soda. It just seems really cheesy that they are always asking for more money. Bad enough I have to pay $40 to check my bags and for any food on the plane. When are they going to start charging us to print our boarding passes. I feel bad for the airline employees who have to ASK us for more money all the time.
Had some great shows in Hartford. Thanks to everyone that showed up. More to come in 2009.
12/19/08
Snow. Snow. Snow. My shows in Hartford, CT were cancelled tonight. So I did what you would do-- went to Ruby Tuesdays for a burger and beer. And I realized, as I sat there alone in a booth with my salad bar salad and my burger (really it was a turkey burger) and beer-- that life is too short for bad fries. If you ever get bad fries-- send them back. Or get up and go to a better fry serving establishment.
12/15/08
Packing for my trip to Hartford, CT. (I'll be at The Funnybone all week.) I can't get my suitcase to weigh under 50 pounds. Now that they are charging us to check luggage-- could they at least let us go a little of 50 pounds? And now that gas is almost free-- what is their excuse for still charging us??? I'm looking forward to my week in Hartford and hope to see you there. My cable tv is out right now, so let me get on the phone now and live out one of my bits.
12/4/08
It never ends. But it never seems to really begin either.
12/1/08
Welcome back. I flew back from Boston on Friday, instead of Sunday like most people, so my clock is all screwed up. Today I thought it was Wednesday. And then I realized it’s been about five years since I’ve woken up and guessed the day right. Pretty soon it’ll be the months.
I have a new morning OCD game I like to play—I put my coffee in the microwave for 60 seconds and try to place it on the rotating plate in such a way that when it’s done—the handle is facing out and I can just grab it. I’m getting pretty good at it.
Enjoy your week back. Tuesday I am at The Improv in Irvine, CA and then off to Minneapolis (am I spelling the right?) for a show this weekend.
11/26/08
Happy Thanksgiving. Don't eat too much-- you will regret it. Enjoy belt diggin into your fat day. I'm in Boston and it rained ALL day yesterday. Looks nice today.
11/18/08
I'm in LA writing on a project. But really looking forward to the holidays. My next LA area show is in Irvine at the Improv on December 2nd. I'm trying to think of something funny to say, but I really just want to go watch "I am Legend" on demand. Check back with me later.
11/5/08
OK America-- take a deep breath. Exhale. Catch your breath. And if you are fortunate enough to live in the Los Angeles area, you can come see me live tonight and tomorrow night at The Comedy and Magic Club. in Hermosa Beach, CA. I do about an hour long show-- so it's worth the drive if you have been wanting to see me perform. Hope to see you there. I'll bring my A game.
10/23/08
Finally an energy plan we can ALL support. Please check out my latest BrainNoise.com video. It is important that WE all watch this and that WE all support this guy-- Dutch E. Adams.
I am performing tonight thru Saturday at The Ice House in Pasadena, CA. I hope if you live within 3,000 miles of the place-- that you come see a show.
10/22/08
I am doing everything to NOT talk about the election-- and so I dug deep. And this is what I came up with-- a BrainNoise vlog about Napoleon. Yip. An ad in the LA Times today reveals the reason behind Napoleon's career ending loss at Waterloo. Check it out.
10/16/08
Joe the plumber DOES NOT have a license and owes back taxes. Way to
go McCain! He ruined Joe the plumber's life. He vetted Joe as much
as Palin.
I wonder if President Bush even watched the debate-- or was watching the Project Runway finale?
10/10/08
I did it again! New BrainNoise.com vid-- this one is a meagerie of topics. Enjoy your WEEKLY MISHMASH. Brain Noise is available as a podcast on iTunes now.
10/3/08
I was in Palm Springs for a private event Wednesday night-- I did not know it was that hot anyplace in the world in October. I could barely walk 10 yards without passing out. The resort had water stations set up all over the place like we were all running a marathon. It was actually too hot to go to the pool. At one point I heard fire engines and for a second thought, " Am I on fire?"... and somebody called it in. But you have to see my latest BrainNoise on the Palm Springs Shower Shocker... it is shocking and personally revealing.
9/30/08
Come kiss September goodbye with me tonight at The IMPROV in Brea, CA. Looking forward to seeing YOU tonight in the audience. Fire it up.
9/29/08
I'd like a government bailout for my career. The stock market is down almost 600 points and my weight is up 3 pounds. I am more concerned about my weight.
I am performing in BREA, CA tomorrow night-- 9/30/08 at The IMPROV. I hope if you live in the area that you come out to my show.
9/18/08
Hey there. My dates for the Ice House in Irvine for September 26 & 27 have been moved to October 23-25. Sorry if this inconvenienced any of you. I've been in a writing cacoon lately-- looking forward to exiting and greeting you all very soon. Sorry for the lack of BrainNoise lately. Happy Thursday.
9/12/08
Stopping by the Improv in Hollywood to do a quick show tonight. All is well here. Sitting around writing and waiting for a lightning bolt to hit my career. It just never rains here in LA.
9/4/08
How is it September already? I've got Breakfast Club on in the background... I miss the 80s. I miss school. As you can sense, I don't really have much to update you on... just kind of saying hello. Maybe today is a good day to go to the beach...
8/28/08
I was in Irvine, CA last night at the Improv-- thanks to all the people who came out-- the girls in the Orny shirts. (I don't even sell Orny shirts.) They forgot to turn on the air conditioning last night and I was sweating away on stage. I had to dump two glasses of water over my head to cool off. And then nearly elecuted myself holding the mic. I am at the Irvine Improv again tonight. Come out if you live within a 100 miles...
8/27/08
Outraged badminton fans speak out-- and I answer them. On August 13th I posted a video (Badminton an Olympic event?) on BrainNoise-- questioning the validity of badminton as an Olympic sport. Unbeknownst to me and most of the world (the sane world) there is a group of ardent, outspoken, defensive, devoid of senses of humor badminton fanatics... that are outright mean at times. There is no joking about badminton with these people-- it is their religion. I discovered this when I posted a video questioning the validity of badminton as an Olympic event. And for those of you that know me, it was done with a wink. But now it is on! Here is my reaction to their unrealistic reaction. Watch my latest BrainNoise.com vlog.
8/19/08
This feels special to me-- even though it probably is no big deal, but BrainNoise is now a podcast on iTunes. Go to iTunes and search me or Brain Noise and you can subscribe. Get all my videos sent to your ipod or iphone or computer. This is one giant leap in my on-again off-again relationship with technology. Spread the Noise.
8/13/08
Badminton is an Olympic sport? Or is it-- watch the new BrainNoise.com vid and you decide. Might as well make playing the recorder one too. They made us play badminton in camp. It's not a sport. If it was a sport I would've been upset if I lost. "You beat me-- big deal." NOBODY ever bragged about winning at badminton. You'd get beat up. With that wimpy racket of course. A fly swatter is more sturdy. Now that I think about it-- I lost on purpose. Tetherball-- now that's a sport.
8/10/08
Watching the Olympics. Here's the good news-- I don't think Cuba has to worry about any of it's athletes defecting to China. Even China is too communist for them.
8/9/08
I was sad to hear Bernie Mac passed away today-- he was on my first Tonight Show and we shared a moment. And it meant a lot to me. I'll never forget that giant, genuine smile he greeted me with when I finished my set and walked over to the couch. Thanks for the laughs Bernie. My thoughts go out to the entire McCullough family.
8/8/08
Happy Olympics. I should dust off the story about my grandfather and the 96' Atlanta Olympics. It's on my PATH dvd if you own it.
Posted a new BrainNoise.com about Obama and Arugula... it's basically how the republicans paint an image of how democrats are weaker people. And in this case have accused Obama as a weak arugula eater. Real men eat Iceberg... we all know that. It is so absurd. Here it is: Obama The Arugula Man.
8/7/08
Thank you to all the people that came out to Hermosa Beach to see me at The Comedy and Magic Club last night. I felt a little rusty, but happy to share some of the newer material with you. NOW...
Why is this lady vacuuming her grass? This is what LA does to you. I'm already dusting my eucalyptus tree. So it won't be long before I plug in the old hoover...
8/6/08
Tonight I'm at The Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, CA.
Morning thought: Bush might be the first president to pardon himself.
8/5/08
Back from wine country. Great wine. Great traffic. Way to go world. I made a video blog for BrainNoise.com about why I am trying to fly airlines like Virgin. Also discussed is a benefit I did in Mill Valley at The Throckmorton Theater for a comic friend who needed help paying for his kidney. What a show! It's a genuine pleasure to play such a venue. I will be returning to The Throckmorton Theater a weekend this November. Stay tuned for date announcment. In the meantime, BrainNoise.com video blog.
This Wednesday (only) I am at The Comedy and Magic Club in Hemosa Beach, CA. Pretty sure this show will sell out. So get your tickets soon.
One more thing I want to endorse-- a website that should be getting a lot more exposure-- they get it right. I would invest in this company: Mahalo.com (Why aren't they bigger?)
7/31/08
Waiting for next Tonight Show date-- hopefully soon. Off to San Francisco for the weekend. Sunday night you can see me in Mill Valley, CA at The Throckmorton Theater. I am doing a benefit for a comic friend Max Alexander-- who just got a new kidney, did not have insurance, took out a loan, and is now defaulting on it. Like a house. But Max has a kidney crises. The bank is foreclosing on his kidney-- so a bunch of us are doing a marathon benefit to save his kidney. (I told him he should've bought a smaller kidney-- but he didn't listen.) Please come out and support the cause and then buy one of my DVDs and support my cause! Side note of no real relevance: After my first Tonight Show appearance, I went out to dinner with some friends in Burbank and ran into Max, who I did not really know, and Max could not have been any more genuinely happy for me on that night-- and I did NOT forget that. The only thing I did not like about him that night-- his kidney. And now he has a new one.
7/30/08
If you experienced the last 14 years of my life-- you wouldn't feel a 5.4 magnitude earthquake either.
7/28/08
SOURED MILK... or half so: Oh it's on. If you happened to find this small blurb in the gossip columns last week-- you might think things got pretty ugly in my life. This is NOT the whole story. I was shocked to discover I was even worth writing about. Now my assistant has started his own Facebook page called "Orny Adams Disgruntled Assistant". (Which I think is a joke.) By the way, he should be getting me half and half and not making Facebook profile pages!!! I guess now he wants to be famous too. I guess I somehow got caught in my own little reality show. Be careful what you wish for-- like half and half!
7/24/08
Back from a mini vacation. Somewhat jetlagged. Flight was delayed 3 hours. Then I spent 6 hours on a plane next to a crying/ screaming 3 year old. You have to be able to control a 3 year old. Right? Then we landed and I was so excited to get away from him... and as I sat there checking my messages on my new iPhone I realized I can’t imagine loving anything more than my iphone. The design is perfect. I’m not having kids until they can be engineered by Steve Jobs—no kids until I can get an Apple issued iKid.
7/18/08
Wouldn't it be funny if it turned out McCain was a Muslim?
7/16/08
I got the Iphone 3g-- it's pretty insane. It even has GPS that pinpoints my exact location on a map and every girl in the area that wants to date me. Eventually we'll be able to point our phones at complete strangers and download their entire story. I hope. I got a lot of pokes from people because I was willing to wait in line for the phone. There was no shame. After waiting about a half hour-- guess who got in line behind me-- Drew Carey. That's right. No pretension. No assistant sent to wait ahead of time. He probably got his phone and then walked over to CBS to tape The Price is Right. (More shame in that.) It made me respect Drew even more. And I sold him 4 jokes in line and got him to sign a 2 year unlimmited joke agreement with free nights and weekends.
7/14/08
If you haven't see a picture of the cover of the latest New Yorker magazine-- it's pretty tasteless. It depicts Obama as a Muslim (which is pretty sick in itself-- I mean, how pathetic are people that they think all Muslims are bad and that calling someone a Muslim is an insult? The root of the weight of this insult itself is pretty elaborately disgusting. We will someday look back this and cringe.) It not only depicts Obama as a Muslim, but his wife as some sort of Black Panther revolutionary. And most disturbing-- an American flag burning in the fireplace. I have too much pride in America, that image burns my innards. This is as vulgar as Budweiser being sold to Belgium brewer. The New Yorker calls this satire. I call it hateful propaganda. Are we really afraid that any black person who gets into office is going to cause some sort of race revolution? COME ON! People are canceling their subscriptions. I won't. But my first thought, "For the first time in my life I am going to be embarrassed to read The New Yorker on the plane." The only thing that could've made this work was a FOX NEWS logo in the corner. I am still formulating my thoughts on this. So far, this week has not started out so funny.
David Remnick: Huffington Post on cover.
7/8/08
Is anybody working? Feels like the world has kind of shut down. Even I'm taking a little time off this month. But I'll be down a few days this week at The Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, CA for their 30th anniversary shows. They have twenty comics doing five minutes each. It's a fun night.
7/4/08
Happy 4th and 5th of July. My sister called yesterday and asked if I was taking all of July off. She had taken a look at my tour schedule page. I am actually in LA most of the month doing shows locally. Sometimes I do not announce my shows so I can sneak in and work on new material. I tend to only announce the shows that I am headlining or that I feel will be worth your time and money. Make sense? Let me have a cup of coffee, reread, and see if it does to me. Have a safe and happy 4th of July. And remember to release the firecracker before it explodes.
6/27/08
More me bumping into the world-- new BrainNoise.com. Many of your will be filled with joy to learn I got my haircut. I got my haircut and HAD to buy a blue suit at Brooks Brothers for a wedding (we are all wearing the same suit). Wonder what I have to say about all this? Watch my haircut vlog.
6/26/08
Here is NYC vlog #3 at BrainNoise.com. I have one more of my trip home. And I shot a vlog of my show Tuesday night at The Improv in Brea, CA and one of my appearance on The Tom Green Show yesterday. So stay tuned to BrainNoise.com...
6/25/08
I'm back in LA-- NYC was hugely successful. I am on The Tom Green Show in about 2 hours. I realize I am posting this kind of late... but did not realize you could watch it live at TomGreen.com. On 3pm PST/ 6pm EST.
I have about 3 new BrainNoise video blogs coming-- they are shot and I am editing them as fast as I can. I will also blog LIVE on the air with Tom Green... not sure if that has ever been done before. And certainly NOT something you can do on a standard show that operates on fear and legal excuses for anything new and exciting. Let's see how Tom reacts when I just starting filming.
My show last night at the Improv in Brea... if I could always be THAT loose on stage-- I kept thinking on stage, "If I could only be this free on TV." Which I think is impossible. The crowds are getting bigger and bigger each time I return to these clubs-- so thanks for everyone who keeps coming back and bringing new people to share the experience with.
6/20/08
Just posted a NEW EXCITED BrainNoise about my adventures in the New York City. Enjoy it: NYC vlog #2 at BrainNoise.com
In NYC-- my show schedule is below... with specific times for anybody who wants to stalk me. I'm in town opening the new Comic Strip west side location.
6/18/08
Here is NYC vlog #1 at BrainNoise.com-- check it out.
And here is my schedule so far for June 19-21... in NEW YORK CITY
Thursday
8:45 Stand Up NY (78 and Broadway)
9:35 Comic Strip (82nd and 2nd)
11:20 Comedy Cellar (MacDougal)
Friday
8:20 Comedy cellar
9:15 Comic Strip West (158 W. 72nd)
10:30 Comedy Cellar
12:00 Comic Strip West
12:50 Comedy Cellar
Saturday
7:35 Comedy Cellar
8:50 Comic Strip East
10:05 Comic Strip West
11:15 Comic Strip East
12:10 Comic Strip West
1:20 Comedy Cellar
6/17/08
Here is NYC vlog #1 at BrainNoise.com-- check it out. Here is my horrendous flight detailed and my first morning back in NYC back in the old-- neighborhood captured on tape.
6/16/08
Off to NYC-- I'll post my show times here later in the week-- or call the clubs and ask what shows I am on. I will be at The Comedy Cellar, Stand up NY, and The Comic Strip (both clubs east and west side). Hope to see you at one of the shows-- whoever you are reading this right now.
6/13/08
That Celtics win last night makes me want to sing-- or maybe I already did...watch this one "What a Wonderful World remix." My latest BrainNoise.
Off to NYC next week. I will be performing the 19-21st at The Comedy Cellar, The Comic Strip, and Stand Up NY. Call the clubs to find out what shows I am on... or maybe it's online. Really looking forward to getting my NYC refresher. I need it!
How inspiring was that Celtics win last night? To battle back from 24 points down... on the road. It was amazingly inspirational to watch... and I am not a "sports guy." But wow! I'm just happy I will be out of LA most likely when the Celts take the championship. All these guys walking around in Laker's tank tops don't look like they are going to take the loss very well.
6/12/08
Well I got my $600 government hush money. It felt dirty to cash it. It felt like a bribe from W to forget about all his wrong doings-- a payoff. I would've been more comfortable if someone slid me the money in a brown envelope across the table. This country is in so much trouble, I don't think $600 is proper appeasement. (This is where I am scrambling in my head to write something funny to end with... digging digging...) All that check did was stimulate my anger... nah that's not it... don't be political... I got my first awkward prostate exam on Monday. Man is that a weird experience. I said, "Please tell me that's two fingers doc." I have what could only be described as an exceptional prostate. Afterwards I asked the doctor how often I have to get that done. He said, "Only every other year." And I said, "But if I want it done monthly would it be covered?" OR DO I NEED TO DIG INTO MY $600? See I can't get away from it!!! I might have to donate the money to feel better about it.
Here-- sing with me "What a Wonderful World remix." My latest BrainNoise.
6/10/08
Just went and had a physical and the doctor gave me that awkward prostate exam and I said, "Please tell me that's two fingers doc." I have what could only be described as an exceptional prostate. Then I found myself wandering around Beverly Hills confused, feeling a bit used, and eventually in Pottery Barn spending $30 on candles. Not kidding. That part of the day, thus far, feels less manly than prostate exam. I like to get my teeth cleaned twice a year and my prostate checked... well monthly if my insurance would cover it. Kidding.
6/9/08
New BrainNoise... I am singing again. Check out "What a Wonderful World remix." I am really hoping this is my last attempt at singing. Please read what I wrote under the video, I think it is important we NOT embrace some of the powers technology affords us.
6/6/08
I got stuck in a belt yesterday. I was in a trendy store that I felt out of place in and... are you supposed to try the belt on before you buy it? I never see people trying them on and they don't let you take them into the dressing room. I always say the same thing when they tell me that, "Then how am I supposed to steal it?" And it NEVER gets a laugh. But it's one of those jokes I like to tell to amuse myself. Another one-- I tell woman I have the same purse-- never gets a laugh either-- but it's for me. This belt was some sort of cloth belt with a toothy clasp that in an odd way secured the cloth. Or rather, locked it down and I couldn't find the releasing mechanism. I just wanted a general idea of how big the belt was so I tried it on over my shirt like a girl in a Cyndee Lauper video. Then it would not come off. I was stuck. I panicked. My hands scrambling to find a release button or something. I felt claustrophobic. I was in the middle of the store-- the trendy store-- and I was pretty sure I didn't have the right sneakers on (I bought them 6 months ago). I imagined people looking at me thinking, "This uncool guy can't figure out how to get the new hip belt off." It felt like forever before I just yanked as hard as I could and broke the stupid trendy belt. And put it right back on the rack. I left humiliated. Deflated. And feeling uncooler than usual. But WHY ARE WE TRYING TO REINVENT THE BELT? I got stuck in a bra once...
6/5/08
Go Celts. I was there in 1986 when they last won. I was 2. Thanks Hermosa for a great show last night. I was supposed to do a quick set testing out my next Tonight Show spot-- I ended up doing an hour. Thanks encouraging audience! My hair is getting long again and it gets a little crazy on stage-- it's been 4 months since my last haircut. Somebody actually complained on the comment card that my hair upset them. Good!
5/30/08
I predict gas prices will hit a new high today. Am I right? I'm good huh? I have my next Tonight Show set ready and am just waiting a new date. Can't wait. I'll be at the Improv in Hollywood tomorrow night if you are around. I'll be at the gym in an hour.
5/22/08
You have got to be kidding me. Now airlines are going to start charging us to check even one bag. $15 for the first and $25 for the second. I wish they would just raise the fairs instead of making us pull out our charge cards for every ala cart option we want-- check a bag, buy a meal, upgrade to exit row... upgrade to exit row-- that sounds absurd-- but true. They are about to implement additional charges for windows and aisle.
The world is falling apart-- I'm sorry it is. I wish I had brighter news to deliver to you today. Every day crude oil hits a new high. Boy that is getting old! And there is no such thing as quality anymore-- I bought Staples brand index cards yesterday (they no longer carry Oxford brand-- which I am quite sure is a superior product, but big mean Staples pushed them out of the marketplace), and when I tell you, my 20 pound printing paper is thicker and more sturdy, I am not exaggerating. I bought 4 x 6 pieces of cheap paper. Now I have to bring them back and find a place that sells index cards that are... well... index cards! But not enough people complain-- so nothing will change. People just accept it. And the companies get away with it... nobody cares about quality. Or customer service. Or standing by their product. It's dismal. And you, reader, I don't know your deal in particular, but in general-- most people don't give a hoot. I write a lot of letters to these companies. You wonder… “What does he do all day… with his crazy hair… what does crazy hair do all day???” I deal with incompetence. That is what I do. I don't let it slide. I deal with things that don’t bother most other people. CAN I GET SOME HELP PLEASE?
Go Celts.
5/19/08
Well it was nearly 100 degrees all weekend here in Los HELLgeles. Congrats to the Celts-- who BARELY pulled it off. I was watching old Larry Bird clips-- reminiscing again... man was HE AMAZING. Watch his play-- it is inspiring.
5/15/08
Energized from my shows this week at the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa. Thanks to those that came out. And especially the guy upfront Tuesday who requested one of my OLDEST jokes. It really means a lot to have such loyal fans. I think it is FINALLY time I take my new act on the road. Here's a blog someone who was at my show Tuesday night wrote-- I would like to point out someone using the internet to vent niceness... can you believe it?
5/8/08
Bill Clinton just came out and endorsed Obama as president... and she would still stay in the race if that ever happened!
Somebody please tell Hillary it is over. Let Obama have his moment. Hillary wants the unused delegates from her husband's presidency run to count now. It might get that desperate.
In many ways I don't blame Hillary-- I've been fighting to be the presumptive comedian for years-- and probably should've dropped out of my primary race many times over.
5/5/08
Did a benefit for Jennifer Pryor (the late Richard Pryor's wife) last night. You know, comedians do benefits all the time-- and more often than not-- we have NO idea what the benefit is for... we just want the stage time. Well, I knew this one had something to do with animals. I am neither an animal lover nor hater. I like them- but do not fawn all over them. I get a little creeped by people that get a little too excited about their pets. Talk to their pets. Bring them up tirelessly in conversation. Call themselves mommy or daddy to them. They always say the same sort of thing-- that the animal gives them unconditional love-- something they can't get from a human. Well you know what-- I LIKE CONDITIONAL LOVE. That's right-- I want to earn my love. I don't want something to love me when I don't deserve it. It turns out the benefit was for... ready for this-- to raise money to place feral cats in police stations to eradicate rats. You can't make this up. What a week, I got recognized by a mime who broke character to say he knew me... and I helped raise money to place cats in police stations. How much money does it take to PICK UP A HOMELESS CAT and put it in a police station? Seems like something I could do in about 10 seconds of free time. So I got up on stage last night and said, "This is great. Next week I'm doing a benefit to raise money to place feral rats in police stations. I figure more rats- more need for your cats..."
And I'll tell you what I don't like MORE... unmarried couples that refer to themselves as mommy and daddy to their dog. “Go to mommy. Daddy has to work now.” Mommy? You guys aren't even married? What delusional world are these people living in? It’s just weird. Are they practicing for the real thing? If we can handle a dog... we can handle marriage and a baby. It’s like having a dog out of wedlock. Does that mean they’re a more serious couple than ones that won’t make that dog commitment?
STOP THE WORLD-- this is my exit!
Angry pet owners... watch this Brain Noise clip.
5/4/08
Yesterday I got recognized by a mime. Fresh off an audition, he came up to me in the white face makeup and all and said, "Hey you're Orny Adams." And I said, "Are you supposed to be speaking?" But how odd-- to be at a coffee shop and have that freak of performing art approach you. I was kind of startled... wish he had mimed out my name. I realized I could never be a mime-- because I can't NOT talk. I would be the mime that would would never shut up!
I'm reminiscing... watching old clips of John McEnroe yelling at judges-- here is a good one to watch.
Is there a single republican that owns a Prius? You have never seen a Prius with a McCain bumper sticker. That is a democrat car. You can even tell by the models. I have a friend that just bought a "Hillary 08" instead of the "Obama Hope" one… she thinks the Hillary Prius will never quit. They made a republican Prius but there was no way to exit the thing. And the gun rack was covering the moon roof.
What's it gonna take--- a $7 gallon? It's official... President Bush is the most unpopular president in modern American history, according to a new poll-- he's at a 28% approval rate. What does Bush have to do to lose the last 28%. What does he have to bomb Switzerland? Club baby seals on the White House lawn? That 28% are just hanging in there... I want to live in a world where the gas prices go down and the president's approval goes up.
Meanwhile, Exxon Mobile posted an $11 billion first quarter profit. Guess the high price of gas is affecting them-- in a good way. Boy, I hope they can afford to fill up their tanks.
4/29/08
Huffington Post has reposted my Grand Old F**K video blog today.
There is a rice shortage. I have decided to use my full $600 from the government to buy rice. Some white. But mostly brown because it is healthier and I want to be around long enough to see the world completely fall apart.
Thanks Ice House people and audience members that came out last weekend-- those were some very special shows. It's always fun doing three shows on a Saturday night. I am at the Irvine Improv tomorrow night and Thursday night and then someone who can sell more tickets will be there Friday and Saturday.
4/25/07
People are upset that they can't get my song out of their head. WARNING do not watch if you are weak and songs get stuck in your head easily: Grand Old F**K.
I am alive-- nothing more alive then doing shows. I have 5 shows this weekend at The Ice House in Pasadena, CA. Show last night was... well hard to describe without describing how great I thought I was. So why don't you just come out if you are in the area.
4/24/08
I knew something was bothering me but I couldn't figure it out. And then I just started to sing... and the collective frustration streamed out of me. I'm sure I missed something... Watch it's a Grand Old F**K.
4/20/09
Just watched the Pope at Yankee's Stadium. And as the pontiff came out, the news commentator who was trying to describe it said-- and I never thought in my lifetime I would ever hear this-- "The Pope is rounding second." The TV was on in the background and I looked up… I just imagined I was going to see the Pope sliding into third! "And the Pope is safe at third with a lead off triple. And coming to the plate is Bishop..."
4/12/08
Here is my latest segment for THE INSIDER -- that we are calling for now, Orny Inside the Insider. It was a tough week-- four for four of my top stories got censored for one reason or another. This is all part of working for TV-- transforming myself for a new medium and playing with a new set of rules. I am enjoying it, but my ego would like a banner going across the screen that says, "Orny could be much funnier if he could say everything he wanted." And believe me, nothing I wanted to talk about is even that edgy-- NONE of it would be offensive to anybody born after 1812.
4/6/08
It's not often I get shivers in this business, but last night I did. Right before my second show, the Improv manager and door guy came up to me and said, "Do you know who came in to watch you tonight?" "No," I said. "Robin Williams. And we asked him if he wanted to go on and he said, 'No, I just came in to watch Orny.'" Robin was seated in the back of the club. I went over gave him a huge hug and said, "I'm bringing you on at the end." I did an hour and then Robin did a huge hunk of time. It was a special night for me. (And an ordinary night for Robin.) I met Robin last year in Mill Valley and wrote this blog: How to be upstage by a star like Robin Williams. Thanks also to all the people that came out to see the shows. I must admit this is the first time I have sold out two shows in one night in Hollywood. I hope everyone at the shows felt that special energy I did.
Now back to selling my soul-- I hope you watched my new piece for THE INSIDER--- click away. Enjoy the day.
4/5/08
HERE IS THE NEW LINK FOR MY NEW INSIDER PIECE -- YES YES YES, THE LINK CHANGED SINCE I SENT THAT MASS EMAIL. Sorry about that.
Shot another piece for Weekend Insider-- check your local listings-- airs on CBS in most markets this Saturday and Sunday. Here it is online if you want to see it now: Orny Inside The Insider. I kind of summed up the week in a hopefully humorous manner. It's very BrainNoise esq-- which is what inspired it.
Two shows tonight at The Hollywood Improv in LA. I'm closing. Come on down. I predict I will be at 85% funny tonight.
4/2/08
Had a great show in Irvine, CA at the Improv. Thanks to everybody that came out to see me. I am at the Hollywood Improv this Saturday night.
3/31/08
Heading back to LA today and back to creating more BrainNoise (thanks for all the requests) and possibly a new piece for ET or Insider.
3/29/08
Took a quick trip to Boston to visit family and had the wonderful experience of scraping ice off the windshield this morning. Yesterday it was sleeting. The day before that I was hiking in LA in my shorts. California wins for weather hands down. But I always get a kick out of east coasters; to me, the whole city feels like family. In Boston, I see more similarities in perfect strangers than dissimilarities. In LA, I feel a constant disconnect. Spent the morning watching Oprah's podcast with Eckhart Tolle-- a guy I have quoted in my past blogs. Something everybody should check out and see if it resonates or not. Now my nieces are coming over... so gotta run and shower. Enjoy that imagery.
3/25/08
It's 3am... will Hillary remember where the phone is?
3/21/08
I shot a piece for THE INSIDER which will air this weekend sometime. I do not know when it airs in every market-- check your local listings. In this one, I got a dancing lesson from Louis Van Amstel who is on Dancing with the Stars on ABC. He's Priscilla Presley's partner this year. So you can watch me embarrass myself if you please. Again, the stuff I find funniest didn't make the on air cut: I asked, "Is it important before every dance to look like at your partner like you are about to have sex? And can you teach me that?" And then... oh yeah, I had this REALLY HOT Russian girl as my dance partner for the lesson (maybe I should've mentioned that up top) he taught me how to give her that look. Hopefully they will put that stuff online.
3/19/08
Just kicking it in LA-- shot Fashion Week for Entertainment Tonight last week-- check it out. What a stiff environment that was to shoot in!
In the meantime, I posted a new Brain Noise-- Tips for going missing and avoiding getting killed. I thought this would stir some mixed reactions, but so far, not the case. And it shouldn't. Truth can be a strange eye to stare into.
I am not losing sight of my stand up work-- it is just tougher and tougher to find the time to perform. LA is NOT like NYC-- there are not a plethora of clubs with tons of shows. LA is usually pretty boring to perform in-- usually just one show at one club a night. I remember one weekend in NYC I did 19 shows. So, I miss NYC in that regard. And unfortunately, yet very fortunately at the same time, because of my television work-- I am stuck in LA. Believe me, being stuck is also a great thing-- I do not miss the travel at all! I do miss the shows and the growth of my stand up act. I'm putting together a new Tonight Show set and that will force me to get out and hone hone hone.
My last assignment for Entertainment Tonight was to do a ride-a-long with the paparazzi that chases Britney Spears and Paris Hilton all day. Although most of the salacious stuff did not make it into the video-- it is still worth viewing. I got a deep glimpse into this ruthless world and at the end of the day... I was never happier to return to MY LIFE! I also blog about it at Brain Noise.
Watch me at The Oscars for Entertainment Tonight.
Here is some breaking Orny news. I have partnered with CBS and Entertainment Tonight to create Brain Noise type content. Click HERE for the announcement.
Hey-- I'm vlogging at BrainNoise. Check out my Brain Noise vlog on ME VS THE PANDA. I lose to a panda.
That lunar eclipse-- what a bust! And just what we needed-- another 3 day weekend! I say it all at Brain Noise... my video blog. Watch my Valentine to American icon Gary Coleman. A few days ago I posted one about how absurd NBC promoted it's new show Lipstick Jungle... another one about DOGS NOT ON LEASHES... my really SUPER SUPER TUESDAY. I really like the one I did on 60 minutes THE PEOPLE PROBLEM NOT HOUSING PROBLEM and the one called MY SUPERBOWL ESSAY.... keep an almost daily eye on BrainNoise.com.
The story: I have been in LA working on a project and found myself with WAY too much free time. So I got a camera and just started to shoot my thoughts—the result is BRAIN NOISE.
What is BRAIN NOISE? It’s my new (almost daily) Vlog/blog. Brain Noise is really a video free for all-- all the clutter in my head-- unrehearsed-- straight to you. This is my reality. This is me firing off the top of my brain. I started this venture two weeks ago and have already posted about 12 videos. So I hope you take a chance to check it out and help me spread the Noise.
"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter"
-- Mark Twain
I get a lot of emails from people and I really enjoy reading and responding to them. It's pretty cool to get feedback from people all over the world. Here is an excerpt from an email I got from a trucker in Minnesota. You never think about people in trucks listening to you on the radio-- but I guess they do. I think in his first email he mentioned that he heard me on Sirius Satellite radio. The email creates quite a visual.
"Hello again .I do not know if I should call you mr.adam's or Orny.I just wanted to say thank you for responding to my e-mail really did not think I would hear from you.My daughter and I love your fat kids skit the best .I was stuck in the bad blizzard on 02-06-08 on interstate I-80 in Iowa and I mean on I-80 there were jackknifed trucks and trailors everywhere.It can get pretty wild out there.Well anyway while listening to the radio you always listen to your CB, guys were getting really pissed off and then your skit about the scale you bought that broke came on and I jumped on the CB and told the other guys out there instead of sitting there pissed off listen to this, and you will crack up and relax a little.Well, after it was over the CB was full of guys talking either about your skit or there own time they had the same kind of problem.So you probably didn't even know you could calm the crazed trucker .Please do not ever stop.You are one of the funniest men ever. Thank you again. JD"
We're all still freaked out about terrorism-- me included! The last time I traveled, a guy on the plane two rows over was knitting. I went up to the flight attendant and said, “There’s a guy over there knitting.” And she said, “Why are you telling me this?” And I said, “Because we are supposed to report anything suspicious.. and a guy knitting is suspicious.”
New pics up-- check them out. I'm topless. And a little later on the page, I'll discuss the DIGITAL CAMERA PHENOM...
My last written blog is still worth reading: How to be upstaged by a star like Robin Williams (my LOOOOOOOOOONGEST blog ever). The night was truly TMZ worthy. Read what happened when Robin popped into a small theater I was playing in Northern California-- it was a tremendous night of comedy. I spent the last few days just jamming on this blog-- so enjoy it. It gives some personal insight into the life of a comic, my life, you might find interesting. Please feel free to pass on the blog to those who might find it both interesting and have enough free time to read it!
Have you seen this yet? HOW MUCH BIGGER ARE SALES RECEIPTS GOING TO GET? I was contacting by CVS and it made it all the way up to the execs in Rhode Island. Let's see if the damn things get smaller! It's little things like this that drive me nuts.
MORE WASTE! Why do these foundations I don’t donate to keep sending me free return address labels? It's a nice gesture, but I don’t even know who “Angel Food” is-- but they think I need a lot of labels-- every six months they send me new ones. I have a drawer full-- and I use them. I don't want them to go to waste. The only thing I don’t use them for is on the envelope to send them money.
I’ve given up trying to look great. I am what I am and I’m done being so concerned about it-- doesn’t mean I’m happy when I see the pictures. I’m usually disgusted. That’s the problem with digital pictures-- instant feedback. In the old days you used to take a picture and then have to wait a week before you realized, “I look like crap… but I look better now.” Then you would take another picture and it would take another week to realize, “I still look like crap.” With digital-- instant crap feedback. You know right away you look like crap! Instantly depressed. Here’s another problem— now you take like 15 group pictures and after each one, everybody has to look at the camera, “Oh, I look stupid. Does my hair really look like that? My eyes are shut-- let’s take another one.” But it doesn’t matter how you look—it ONLY matters how the person who owns the camera looks-- if he looks good-- that’s the one you’re getting. You get the picture, “This is the best one? Really? Because it looks like I’m picking my nose, one guy’s not even looking at the camera, and I think the person on the right is puking.” So you better look HOT in the one the camera owner looks HOT in. That’s why I’m always like, “Let’s use my camera and I can send everyone the pic.”
Richard Pryor: Well it's official, Pryor is rolling around in his grave. My DVD/CD "Path of Most Resistance," is being sold on richardpryor.com (Don't believe me-- click on that link). It's THE ONLY non- Richard product being sold on the site. And I'm a honky!!! My blog about meeting his wife is up there too: Blog: richardPryor.com.
My latest TONIGHT SHOW set is up here. (My dream of doing it every 3 months was derailed by the writer's strike!!!) And NBC has put my panel portion of the appearance on the FRONT PAGE of The Tonight Show's webpage. Find it here. The response has been overwhelming.
I must say, that was the hardest TV crowd I have ever had to perform for-- but there is something fun about the challenge of having to win them over... and in the end succeeding. I do this nightly in nightclubs-- but this was a bit unnerving doing it on TV in front of 5 million plus people. I was a bit thrown at the beginning, because as Jay was bringing me out, someone was yelling "Obama". (You can hear one on the tape.) And so I walked out and people are looking around for the guy verbally slinging Obama. I guess we aren't even safe from hecklers on TV anymore? It's OK. I had been prepared for any eventuality that might occur during the taping-- except someone yelling "Obama!" That's what makes stand up so much fun-- you never know what the hell is going to happen when you hit that stage.
YES, I did meet Senator Obama and yes I did ask him that question I told Jay on the couch (watch the clip) And Obama laughed.
Right before I went out, Obama approached me and said, "You're a funny guy." Now, I don't know if he had ever seen any of my work-- maybe he did knowing I was on the show. Or maybe he was just being a politician. But it was cool to think that someone running for the President of The United States was even aware of me.
There was secret service EVERYWHERE. When I walked out of my dressing room-- there were about 5 of them ready to jump on me. I said, "Are you guys here for Keith Urban?" (The other guest on the show) They laughed. I said, "Are you allowed to laugh?"
Other news: The NEW STORE PACKAGING DVD/CD set of "Path of Most Resistance," has arrived and is in stores (Store packaging is in a traditional DVD box.) It is SO COOL. I am so happy with it. It has an Orny Superdisc-- that is a DVD with video and audio downloads for your MP3 player and also includes a bonus matching CD. Also, my DVD is now available and shipping on NETFLIX. I'm really excited about that. Not bad for a kid who did it all on his own-- no studio, no network, no investors.
YOU DECIDE: So now, you can get either order the original packaging-- "Collector's Edition 2 disc DVD/CD Digipack"-- ONLY AVAILABLE here or the new "Store Packaging DVD/CD set"-- also available here. Go to the Orny Store page for instructions on how. Here's another thing, if you order it here-- I'd be more than happy to sign it for you... just specify that you want it signed in the SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS box under customer billing information when ordering the Path. (And tell me who to sign it to!)
Other Orny video quickies:
Me on election and minorities : It's hard doing comedy without an audience.
Funnyordie.com: If you ever wondered what I do on the road-- check out my new video featured on Ferrell's site.
Me and Tom Green at a bar: As promised on the Tom Green Channel- we went out after the show for a few drinks- watch what happens.
THE DISCUSSION BOARD needs attention! The "ORNY DISCUSSION BOARD" is up. So jump in… start a discussion or stick your nose into one already ongoing.
Also check out the FNAQs. These are some of the odd questions I have gotten. And you can even ask one of your own.
Well, that's it for now. I am really excited to share the PATH with you. For those of you that were at the taping, it was one of the most special night's of my career. I hope this comes through on the project. There is a full length CD and matching DVD. And then I completely over explain everything you would ever want to know about me and the project in a 16 page booklet. I wish I was in a band so every picture and every word wasn't about ME! By the end of the project, even I was sick of me. "Enough me," I kept thinking.
On the DVD, I included a video of me performing stand up at a school in Fiji. And the kids have no idea what I'm talking about. But they are adorable and polite. In America, one of them would've yelled, "You suck," and his friend would've shot me.
So take a look around the site and we will keep enhancing and updating it.
Look forward to seeing you at a show sometime soon.
Orny